Year Released: 2021, 2023
Directed by: Gavin Whitehead
Starring: Jeremy Clarkson, Kaleb Cooper, Lisa Hogan, Charlie Ireland, Gerald Cooper
(Not rated, DD gives it PG13 for foul language, Two seasons consisting of 8 episodes each, 40 -54 minutes.)
Genre: Comedy, Documentary, Unscripted

“The tractor’s too bloody big.” –Kaleb Cooper

Season 3 Update:

Diddly Squat Farm continues to battle the British bureaucracy, the whims of weather, the travails of falling in love with piglets and baby goats, and the brainstorms of Jeremy himself, not to mention a contest between him and his new “farm manager” Kaleb, who treats his boss as an equal now.

In fact, Kaleb does about the same when he gets to meet the Prime Minister, and somehow leaves 10 Downing Street a first name basis with him.

Jeremy greets his “triumphs and disasters and treats those two imposters just the same. Well, almost. “Holy Moly” is in the trailer, but Jeremy is more likely to utter his ubiquitous F word oaths, which fly fast and furious.

His mushroom tunnel’s success at first overwhelms and then – well, you will have to watch yourself to find out.

***

Forget all those British documentaries where some bloke with a plumy accent (i.e. Sir David Attenborough) takes you on a tour of stunning wildlife or dinosaur bones. Exciting, informative, and visually stunning – yes, but pretty serious. Now find its antithesis in Clarkson’s Farm, where a former Top Gear host reinvents himself as a farmer.

So far we have two seasons, and perhaps a third, if Jeremy Clarkson can extricate himself from some hot water over some disparaging comments he made about the Duchess of Sussex aka Meghan Markle.

So savor the first two seasons, since the third may be in doubt:

Season One:

An intense, arduous and frequently hilarious year in the life of Britain’s most unlikely farmer, Jeremy Clarkson. Join Jeremy and his rag-tag band of agricultural associates as they face-up to a backdrop of unhelpful weather, disobedient animals, unresponsive crops and an unexpected pandemic. This is Jeremy Clarkson as you’ve never seen him before.

Season Two

Another year in the life of Diddly Squat Farm, run by Jeremy Clarkson, Britain's best-known but least-qualified amateur farmer. In an effort to increase his annual profit (£144 last year) he's diversifying, in the shape of cows, more chickens and his own restaurant.

The former Top Gear host, whose politically incorrect humor is epic, has survived most controversies, but when he got in a “fracas” with one of the show’s producers in 2015, which actually landed the guy in the hospital, he was canned.

To get a pictures of his attitude and how Clarkson says just about anything that comes to mind, we chronicle a few of his exploits at Top Gear.

Clarkson was criticised by the mental health charity Mind for his 3 December 2011 column for The Sun, in which he described those who jump in front of trains as "Johnny Suicide" and argues that following a death, trains should carry on their journeys as soon as possible. He adds: "The train cannot be removed nor the line reopened until all of the victim's body has been recovered. And sometimes the head can be half a mile away from the feet." ... "Change the driver, pick up the big bits of what's left of the victim, get the train moving as quickly as possible and let foxy woxy and the birds nibble away at the smaller, gooey parts that are far away or hard to find. –Sky News

In February 2009, while in Australia, Clarkson made disparaging remarks aimed at the British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, calling him a "one-eyed Scottish idiot", and accused him of lying. These comments were widely condemned by the Royal National Institute of Blind People, Royal National Institute of Blind People, and also Scottish politicians, who requested that he should be taken off air. He subsequently apologised for referencing Brown's monocular blindness, but said: "I haven't apologised for calling him an idiot. –BBC News

In October 1998, Hyundai complained to the BBC about what they described as "bigoted and racist" comments he made at the Birmingham Motor Show, where he was reported as saying that the people working on the Hyundai stand had "eaten a dog" and that the designer of the Hyundai XG had probably eaten a spaniel for his lunch. –BBC News

***

Perhaps he has mellowed a bit since then, but his farming exploits are still side splitting. Jeremy Clarkson is the epitome of the phrase, “The only difference between a man and boy is the price of his toys.” We get that right away when Clarkson buys his first tractor for the 1000 acre spread in the Cotsworth region near Oxfordshire. Nothing is too good for his new adventure or for his newly renamed farm, Diddly Squat.

I have had a farm, quite a big farm, a 1000 acres, since 2008. A man farmed it for me. Then he said, “I’m retiring”’ So I thought, I’ll do it myself, which is the stupidest decision. I thought it was a part-time thing… ended up calling it Diddly Squat because that how much you make from farming.”

However, before that disastrous first year, he started big, spurning the recommend Massey Ferguson tractor to buy “a mighty Lamborghini R8.27 , which is too big to fit in the barn, and often too complex for him to operate.

Luckily he has Kaleb Cooper, a young farmer who shepherds Clarkson through his many mishaps and gives as good as he gets from his outspoken employer.

Here are a few of their adventures and the situations they get into. (Foul language warning):

As well as his biggest mishaps. (Foul language warning):

Anyone who has ever thought farming or ranching was easy will have new respect for those who supply us with our food. And for this Texan, Clarkson’s adventures with herding sheep or cattle on foot or with an aerial drone are laugh-out-loud funny. But the cattle – Jeremy always calls them cows, or even the rented bull – are nothing compared to the town council, who are more territorial and aggressive than any of the farm creatures.

Enjoy! Pair it with All Creatures Great and Small for a taste of perfect country cuisine.

Laughter is the best medicine. You will get a more than ample supply from both seasons of Clarkson’s Farm on Amazon. Not to miss, but be forewarned. The expletives have not been deleted.

–Kathy Borich
🥁🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁

Trailers

Film-Loving Foodie

Clarkson’s grand idea in season 1 was the farm shop; in season 2 it is a restaurant, using everything he has raised on his farm, such as sheep, cows (he never refers to them as cattle), honey, eggs, chilies, beer, and potatoes, to name a few. He even works a deal with neighboring farms to contribute their own ingredients, too.

Since he is rolling in dough – the money not the flour made product – he hires an exceptional chef for provide a menu and recipes. When she states her impressive credentials, including some French and Japanese style cooking, he very sweetly tells her that the people who come to his food shop, and will purportedly be his restaurant customers as well, don’t want fancy food. They are, after all, Subaru drivers and will be put off by Asian fusion. Actually, Clarkson says it more bluntly. They would probably say “F*&#@ Off,” with Clarkson filling in the blanks Different Drummer has inserted.

So his chef comes up with several plain recipes such as Beef tongue, Egg and Pickles, Lambs Breast with chilies, olive oil and as beer bread with a side of whipped quark (a kind of thick yogurt)

“I’ve seen quark in all the slimming magazines,” says Clarkson, who has a belly that precedes the rest of his body by about a foot or so, which seems to be getting a little bigger with each season. I guess doing farming with all those labor saving devices isn’t what it used to be in earlier times.

***

The recipe we have chosen for today is a simple Lamb Chops and New potatoes. Clarkson’s recipe is an example of his dry humor, with a minimum of detail, except for the notorious Aga stove, which plays a prominent role, much of it concerning the upper class British devotions to it.

Here is probably more than you might wish to know about this oven:

The Aga was originally designed in Sweden but has a huge following in the UK, with some owners naming their ovens and considering them part of the family. Available in a range of colors, Agas can have as many as five ovens at different temperatures and two hobs.

Brand new Agas cost around £15,000 with some people likening the purchase to a car rather than an oven. Second hand they can still sell for £5,000. –Katie Linsell

More for the really obsessed:

Originally developed to burn coal of anthracite, the Aga cooker was invented in 1922 by the Nobel Prize-winning Swedish physicist Gustaf Dalen (1869–1937).

Dalen lost his sight in an explosion while developing his earlier invention and was forced to stay at home, where he discovered that his wife was exhausted by cooking. Although blind, he set out to develop a new stove that was capable of a range of culinary techniques and easy to use.

Adopting the principle of heat storage, he combined a heat source, two large hotplates and two ovens into one unit: the AGA Cooker. The cooker was introduced to the United Kingdom in 1929, and was manufactured there under license in the early 1930s. –Wlkpedia

Enjoy, but do not feel compelled to purchase a new Aga, close to the price of a car. I suggest an American oven for my Yank friends, or even better, maybe a backyard smoker. We are, after all, at least approaching barbecue season.

Lamb Chops and New Potatoes

Ingredients

– Sheep
– New potatoes
– Butter
– Bisto granules

Method

1 Kill a sheep. Remove its chops. Place the chops in the top right-hand oven of your Aga.

2 Call Aga and ask them to send a man round to fix it.

3 Throw away the chops.

4 One month later, after the man has been, kill another sheep and place its chops in the top right-hand oven.

5 Peel the new potatoes. It’s lazy to keep the skins in place and it’s not healthy because the potatoes will have been drenched in glyphosate.

6 Do not be impatient. Wait until the potatoes are properly cooked before draining the water. Put them on a plate and add a knob of butter.

7 Remove the chops from the oven. Realise you should have done that sooner as chops cook faster than potatoes. But put them on the plate anyway and eat.

If you wish, enliven this simple dish by adding three heaped tablespoons of Bisto granules to half a pint of boiling water. Then pour in the fat from the chops so it looks like you made the gravy yourself.

Driving. Co. UK